THE ALIEN INVASION AS SEEN IN THE TWITTER STREAM OF @DWEEBLESS

By Jake Kerr

Tim Becker
@dweebless
@minnyjotg
I'm getting those tweets, too. It must be a viral ad campaign for a movie called Alien Overlords or something. It's everywhere.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
People of Earth: There is no reason for panic. Simply relocate to Canada and everything will be fine.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
@alienoverlords
Dude, how are you on my timeline? I most definitely did NOT follow you. Reporting you for spam.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
Just reported the idiot
@alienoverlords
for spamming me. How much you wanna bet they reappear? Money talks. :/
Henry Bloch
@imissthenorthstars
@dweebless
I did the same thing. Do they really think people will see the movie after this kind of crap?
Jo Guinee
@minnyjotg
@imissthenorthstars
@dweebless
I can't get away from it! It's all over Youtube + they're doing some BS thing on TV where they cut into shows
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
People of Earth: Honestly, we don't think our instructions are that complicated. Move to Canada.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
@alienoverlords
This would be funny if it were real. Like, dude, I'd rather be dead than move to Canada. LOL.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
@dweebless
That can be arranged.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
Hahahaha. A viral campaign is trolling me! RT
@alienoverlords
@dweebless
That can be arranged.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
Just saw the Youtube video. WTF. It's freakin' static and a voice telling us to relocate to Canada.
Jo Guinee
@minnyjotg
@dweebless
I think it's brilliant. The
@alienoverlords
movie is totally the next
@oldspice
. The aliens are on a horse!
Tim Becker
@dweebless
@minnyjotg
LOL!
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
There seems to be a misunderstanding. This is a warning, not a joke. We really don't want to kill anyone.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
Do the aliens realize Nickelback and Rush are from Canada?
#deathbymusic!
RT
@alienoverlords
We really don't want to kill anyone.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
@dweebless
Hey, if you're going to retweet our messages, can you at least not edit the meaning? Not cool.
Henry Bloch
@imissthenorthstars
@dweebless
The
@alienoverlords
account is totally trolling you. And notice they didn't defend Rush or Nickelback ;)
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
People of Earth: We have nothing against Nickelback or Rush or anyone else. We just need lots of space. So hightail it to Canada. NOW.
John Scalzi
@scalzi
"Hightail it to Canada" is the name of my next band.
Monica Becker
@skifanatic89
@alienoverlords
Hey, I'm going to school in France, do I have to move to Canada, too? ;)
Tim Becker
@dweebless
@skifanatic89
Watch it, sis. These guys like Nickelback. I wouldn't taunt them. WHO KNOWS THE DEPTHS OF THEIR EVIL!
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
@skifanatic89
Yes, you need to move to Canada, too.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
@dweebless
For crying out loud. We're not EVIL! Just misunderstood. Anyway, we just destroyed Tulsa.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
We destroyed Tulsa since you all were not moving fast enough and not taking us seriously. Video coming to our YouTube channel shortly.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
This Alien Overlord viral campaign is like watching a car wreck. You don't want to watch, but it's so compellingly awful you can't stop.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
We're having some transcoding problems with YouTube, so be patient. But trust us, Tulsa isn't there anymore.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
Noobs. RT
@alienoverlords
We're having some transcoding problems with YouTube, so be patient. But trust us, Tulsa isn't there anymore.
Monica Becker
@skifanatic89
.
@alienoverlords
Couldn't you have destroyed Montreal instead? I can't stand the Canadiens fans.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
@skifanatic89
No, Montreal is in Canada. Haven't you been paying attention?
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
Video is online now. If you have the bandwidth, you should really check it out in HD. Totally awesome explosions.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
We apologize. The previous tweet was in poor taste. We're sorry for all those that died but we can't wait forever for you to move to Canada.
Jo Guinee
@minnyjotg
@dweebless
Just saw the video. The CGI in the movie is amazing I have to admit. Maybe Michael Bay is directing! LOL.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
@alienoverlords
I don't think anyone is really missing Tulsa. You guys need to up your game.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
@dweebless
Sadly, we think you're right. We have decided to destroy France.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
@alienoverlords
Ha. I don't think anyone will miss France either! But my sister is there so how about destroying someplace else - North Korea?
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
@dweebless
Sorry, dude, it's too late--we destroyed France already. We actually destroyed North Korea first, but no one seemed to notice.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
Look out
@skifanatic89
! RT
@alienoverlords
Sorry, dude, it's too late--we destroyed France already.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
You know, we didn't have high expectations, but we did expect at least SOME effort. France is now destroyed. Don't be next. Move to Canada.
Henry Bloch
@imissthenorthstars
@dweebless
Did you check out Reddit? The front page is full of evidence that this is actually real if you can believe that. Conspiracy nuts.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
@imissthenorthstars
Saw that. Waiting for @skifanatic89 to pipe in and totally bust them since she lives in France.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
Really Earthlings? Missiles? We're being all peaceful and understanding and you pull that kind of stunt? We're not angry. Just disappointed.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
Oh, and for the smartypants who are asking how we can live on the planet if we destroy it all... Don't make us show you.
Tim Becker
@dweebless
@imissthenorthstars
This couldn't be real, could it?
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
You guys are hilarious. A spaceship armed with nukes? I mean you get points for chutzpah, but really, did you think we couldn't handle that?
Tim Becker
@dweebless
Holy shit. This is real guys. The
@alienoverlords
thing is a REAL invasion! Going offline as I head to Canada.
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
@dweebless
Nice try Captain Obvious, but you and the rest of your idiot planet are too late. We've already decided to destroy you all.
Canada
@canada
What about us?
The Aliens
@alienoverlords
Sorry, we're destroying you, too. We finally listened to Nickelback.

Jake Kerr began writing short fiction in 2010, after fifteen years as a music industry columnist and journalist. In 2011, Lightspeed published his debut story, The Old Equations, in its July issue. The story went on to be finalist for best novelette at the Nebula Awards and shortlisted for the Theodore Sturgeon Memorial Award. In 2012, Kerr returned to Lightspeed with a new story and was also published in Fireside Magazine. A graduate of Kenyon College with degrees in English and Psychology, Kerr studied under writer-in-residence Ursula K. Le Guin and Peruvian playwright Alonso Alegria. He is currently working on his first novel. Kerr lives in Dallas, Texas.

Unidentified Funny Objects Cover The above story is from Unidentified Funny Objects, an anthology of humorous science fiction and fantasy.

Other great stories in UFO feature a zombear, down-on-their-luck vampires, time twisting belly dancers, moon nazis, stoned computers, omnivorous sex-maniac pandas, and a spell-casting Albert Einstein.

Featuring fiction by Mike Resnick, Jody Lynn Nye, Ken Liu, Jennifer Pelland, Lavie Tidhar, Stephanie Burgis, Sergey Lukyanenko and other fine authors.


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